I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
