and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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