I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
