when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
