At least make sure they are 18
Why
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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