she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
