i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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