Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
