I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
