my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
