I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Randomize
