just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
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