Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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