He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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