Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
