trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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