ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize