we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize