I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
