If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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