Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
