hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
