Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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