Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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