I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
