I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
