3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
