ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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