My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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