9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He passed out mid-signature
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
