Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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