I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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