I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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