Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
