Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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