STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
