So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize