i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
