Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
