We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
