If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
