Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's the barista slut.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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