first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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