I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
