I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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