I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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