Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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