I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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