Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize