At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Randomize
