I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
