evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
