Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
