I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
