I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Randomize
