I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
