The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
