and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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