So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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