so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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