if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
