By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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