I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
