Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I FOUND THE LEGS
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
