apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
