I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
