I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
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Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize